Digital Editor Alex McDonald reviews what may be a game-changing rom-com: The Big SickWritten by Alex McDonald on 5th August 2017
Review: The Emoji Movie
Film Editor John James clues us in on just how terrible The Emoji Movie is
I saw this film alone. Alone on a damp August morning I saw it all; I saw Christmas trees talking to faeces, I saw a fat hand gorging himself, I saw Textopolis in all its shimmering malevolence and there amongst the flames and the smoking embers of human potential, I saw the ‘Emoji Bop’. And they saw me. Dozens of parents staring slack jawed at this odd man sitting amongst their children, their incriminating glares raked over me throughout this hour and a half ordeal, but I sat firm upon my moral high ground. After all, they were indoctrinating their children (THEIR OWN CHILDREN) with this s**t.
This film cannot just be passed off as a silly kid’s film, they will speak of this film in centuries to come as the turning point in human progress, where foot met mouth again and we returned to the caves. It cannot be a case of critiquing this film, rather aggressively hounding it to the far reaches of human taste and decency if not for your sake but that of your children and the world they’ll inherit.
“It cannot be a case of critiquing this film, rather aggressively hounding it to the far reaches of human taste
“There is nothing poetic here, just the films obnoxious proclamation that its premise is cool and relevant, and who are we to argue?
I’m not expecting world building or ‘The Emoji Code’ but seriously how does this world work. Stop thinking, look here’s two poo emojis chanting ‘We’re number two! We’re number 2!’. There, now you’re entertained, aren’t you? Every joke in the film is based on the idea of two conflicting emojis doing something together. Who thought that was a good idea? The rigidness of the emoji's characterization doesn’t just ruin any humour but also the emotional ‘tugs’ (desperate clawings for substance) that the film attempts to crowbar in. A side plot revolves around Gene’s parents, the two ‘meh’ emojis struggles in their marriage is strangled of even the shallowest depths that these trashy films sometimes achieve by its own stupid concept. But it seems odd to rationalise the reasons why this film is bad, not when there so much to instinctively hate. Like James Corden’s hand. Yes, James Corden is in this; playing the deliciously ironic role of a chubby high five who fallen from grace, is on a desperate quest to boost his profile and receive his god given share of empty gratification from the user. He isn’t the worst part of the film, that’s its existence, but he runs it very close with his shrill intrusive voice delivering many of the films worst lines (‘Yeahh baby! Do the finger dance!’) and there are lots to choose from.
“James Corden isn’t the worst part of the film, that’s its existence, but he runs it very close.
“The film is arrogant enough to cram not one but three offensive morals into it
Finally Max, our user, spends the film courting his beloved Addie, not helped mind by the repeated malfunctions of his meddling phone aha! He just can’t seem to connect to her, but maybe he’s trying in the wrong ways. ‘What shall I say to her dude?’ he asks his friend. ‘Nothing dude’ dribbles his friend ‘Send her an emoji, words are stupid’. Yes, I suppose they are. Words can only go so far, the monkey with his hands over his eyes, he’s universal. He eventually wins her when Gene comes through and sends her a ‘super cool emoji’ that illustrates to this vapid cultural troglodyte that he’s ‘one of those guys who can express his feelings’. And that’s it, that this film has the audacity to present its subject matter as anything other than the antithesis of positive, intimate and individually devised emotion and expression is monumentally offensive. We could take this film as a joke, we could imagine that the filmmakers are in on it. That it’s a satirical play on the unholy cultural apocalypse that surely awaits us. But are some things to dangerous to joke about?
Verdict: This review isn’t necessary, none of you were intending to watch this, this won’t be a success. We didn’t ask for this, so don’t watch it.