In a satirical column, Comment Editor Joe Goodsall wonders what horrors 2016 has left
What with various celebrity deaths, divorces and dispossessions, the disastrous brexit result and unwelcome changes to several tv shows, 2016 has been an almost laughably bad year. As we enter October, it may seem to many that we’ve entered the home stretch of a year which cannot possibly get any worse. These hopes are misplaced according to experts who, laughing at our misery in their ivory towers, have gloatingly made a variety of dire predictions for the final few months of the year.
Foremost in everyone’s mind is the U.S. presidential debate. Liberals, democrats and anyone with half a functioning brain will be relieved to hear that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency with relative ease. But that fear will turn to horror as Hillary rips off her face-mask to reveal that she was actually Donald Trump in disguise all along. This will come as a shock to the public, and to Donald Trump himself who, upon being trapped by the Scooby Doo gang, will have his own mask removed to reveal that he is in fact also Donald Trump. As everyone struggles to work out which Trump trump’s Trump, Trump will begin his reign of terror as he not only bans Muslims, Mexicans and all forms of fun, but also Taylor Swift, The Great British Bake Off and Penguins, just because he can.
Labour will split into two parties following the 53rd leadership challenge by Barry Smith from Bogsdon on Avensbury. Whilst most of the party will stay with the old Labour party, Jeremy Corbyn will leave to form a one man party, paradoxically called new labour. However it will be to everyone’s shock when he is elected Prime Minister after Theresa May admits that becoming Prime Minister without a general election is ‘a little bit totalitarian’. Corbyn’s supporters however will not be laughing for long as he quickly disappears off the face of the earth. After months of silence, he will finally be spotted sitting on the floor of a taxi, complaining about the lack of seats. Having finally left the EU, deported all the immigrants and minority groups, shut down the internet and driven anyone under the age of 25 out of the country, the people of Great Britain will be forced to confront the fact that blaming their problems on other people won’t solve those problems and that they are now stuck on an island in the North Atlantic with no one to help them. Predictably, instead of trying to make amends, they will immediately begin blaming each-other before launching the island into space after a referendum on whether to remain a part of planet earth. As one member of the government will say, “after a year like this, frankly, I don’t blame them!”
Article by Joe Goodsall