Comment Writers Jadzia Samuel and Helena Shaw discuss the uproar following the news that Doritos are releasing a new ‘female friendly’ crisp
Its 2018. 100 years ago, women got the vote, and 100 years later women have Doritos that will ‘fit in their purse’. On this anniversary Doritos have announced their latest innovation… a new flavour, a new dip? No, ‘female friendly’ crisps. Yes, we thought it was fake news at the time as well. Did you know that regular Doritos scare women, they’re too intimidating with their masculine size and testosterone filled crunch? The taste of these new crisps however, will presumably remove all body hair and give women superhuman sandwich making skills. Doritos have conveniently made these crunch-free as to not scare off a husband or to give the absurd impression that women actually eat food! Plus, crumb-free so you don’t have to get out that pesky hoover before your hubby gets home from work.
I suppose since we have the vote now, it’s fine to patronise and demean women. Who could possibly need, excuse my French, F*min%sm? I mean it’s 2018, we’ve been entirely liberated from the constraints of the patriarchy, does it even exist anymore? Nevermind an orange-hued world leader whose best hits include, ‘grabbing pussy,’ ‘sexualising his daughter’ and my personal favourite, the soundtrack to the election ’twenty rape allegations’. Please excuse the fact that women still do 40% more housework than men, because we have equality now and there’s no need to burn anymore bras.
F*min%sm is plaguing our schools, homes and communities, these pesky women with their ludicrous ideas of wanting equal pay, basic respect, and not being groped in supermarkets. But never fear, remember these F*min%sts are scared of beauty and make up. Like water to the wicked witch it melts them. So, board up your houses and remember to keep your pockets stocked with powder and eyeshadow just in case they come knocking.
Perhaps if they gave up their values and called themselves a name that could be uttered in polite company they would find less opposition. Why not change the movements name to egalitarianism and push women’s issues right to the back? Remember, we’re all starting on an even playing field and men need to be reassured of their equality just as much. Privilege is a myth. They really shouldn’t want to be associated with those pesky notions of femininity either. It’s not like women have ever positively contributed to society! You can easily change a word just because you don’t like it, for instance, we’ve decided we don’t like the word ‘university’, so call up the OED we’re renaming it to ‘money grabbing hell-hole, which values economics and reputation over the wellbeing and education of their students’ instead… because that’s totally how language works.
A man recently pointed out to us that calling himself a feminist is impossible as there are much more important issues to be focused on, like the rich-poor divide. Because of course, you can’t identify with more than one political issue at a time. You can’t believe that women should have basic respect and simultaneously disagree with racism, and identifying with F*min%sm means you approve of animal abuse. These F*min%sts struggle to focus on anything except their totally disproportionate hatred of men. F*min%sts can’t even eat when they are trying to get rid of the patriarchy? Well at least it means they’ll be skinny enough to attract a man for when they get tired of this pointless tirade!
It’s the 21st century, why does it even matter that gender issues are being constantly overlooked and rape case constantly coming out of the woodwork? We have female Doritos now! Why should we care that F*min%sm is still a bad word? It totally doesn’t matter that not everyone calls themselves a F*min%st, I mean it’s not like we all believe in giving women the same fundamental human rights as men and respecting them in as simple ways as not sexually abusing them. Oh, wait you do agree with that. Oh no, it’s too late, it’s taken over you! You. Are. A. Feminist.