For all those who have been struggling through life without a weekly fix of Sugar-coated sarcasm, Nick Hewer’s eyebrows and bitchy boardroom spats, fear no longer. The Apprentice has returned to our screens and we are once again graced with an assorted collection of ridiculously overconfident individuals. There’s Luissa, a fairly unpleasant lass who has […]

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For all those who have been struggling through life without a weekly fix of Sugar-coated sarcasm, Nick Hewer’s eyebrows and bitchy boardroom spats, fear no longer. The Apprentice has returned to our screens and we are once again graced with an assorted collection of ridiculously overconfident individuals. There’s Luissa, a fairly unpleasant lass who has appointed herself the resident ‘Jessica Rabbit’ of the group, as well as my personal fave Jason, whose vocabulary range knows no bounds. For those not so business-minded, a treat comes in the form of Miles, the thirty-something year old with a remarkably perky bum who single-handedly defines the term ‘silver fox’. Tasks so far have included creating both a flavoured beer and an innovative piece of flat-pack furniture, with the girl’s interpretation of ‘original’ leaving the nation in shock as they produced…a wooden box. There have been several noteworthy moments in which the candidates exhibit their extensive intellectual capacity, with Natalie identifying a cow first as a horse, then as a dog and Zeeshaan claiming confidently how well he’s worked all day with ‘Liam’, who in fact turned out to be called Neil. Sick one Zeesh. Below, in the true style of our time, the experts have compiled a list entitled: Things Apprentice Candidates Don’t Say.

1)  ‘Neil, I love that layer of hair you’re sporting on your neck’

2)  ‘It’s so boring to watch team Evolve win every week’

3)  ‘I’m don’t know why we didn’t have more success when we tried to sell Chinese good luck cats in a shop full of Chinese good luck cats’

4)  ‘This one time, in the Bridge Cafe, I saw another human being’

5)  ‘When I look at you, Alex, I see no resemblance to Dracula’

6)  ‘Please, Lord Sugar, remind us again how you were born in Hackney and made a living from nothing’

7)  ‘Thanks for your contribution Uzma’

8)  ‘Good idea, Kurt, why has the concept of sitting on a chair filled with recycled materials not been done before’

9)   ‘Classic Emperor Bonaparte throwing temper tantrums in the back of people carriers. Zee, you really are so alike’

10) ‘I very rarely give 110%’

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