Enter if you dare…

It’s me, Red… or is it? Welcome to my very creepy library.

Did you miss me? Of course you did. Rest assured I’m back better than ever with an exciting new feature for you to sink your teeth in for the final print of the year. Welcome to a very special (and slightly spooky) edition of Dear Red. It’s been a while since Valentine’s Day, and I figured now that I have successfully resolved your love quos; you could probably use my help to tackle your nightmare house share. But before you settle in, Ash is back, so do flip to the back page and get your fix of the campus gossip, I’ll wait…

Back? Good. I am so excited to delve into your most horrifying, horrendous Housing Horror Stories. Landlords and housemates can make or break your university experience, so whether you are living your best life or suffering through a domestic nightmare, rest assured, I will do my best to guide you through the chaos.

Till death do us part,

Red x

Smelly Oak:

In my last house the walls were covered in mould that continually made us all sick. I mean covered in mould, made-the-wallpaper-peel kind of mould. After calls and tons of emails with the landlord, nothing got sorted. I was back and forth between my student house and back home because of how frequently I got ill and how badly I wanted out. Obviously, at the end of the tenancy, we had our deposit withheld because apparently, we ‘didn’t try hard enough’ to get rid of the mould, or get it sorted. We never got that money back.

You need to approach an evil landlord like you would a toxic situationship, they are more alike than you would think. They both lack basic empathy, neither of them care if you live or die, the list goes on. Luckily for you, I have plenty of experience with evil men, and therefore, the perfect solution. First, you need to create some distance with your evil landlord. Next time he messages you about your overdue rent, read the message, process it, and respond in 2-3 business days. Play him at his own game; he isn’t so quick to text when you ask him to fix the mould-ridden walls! Next, start quoting things he’s said back to him, ‘Oh, sorry, I thought you said the mould was just condensation?’ This will deeply unsettle him. He will start to spiral. I’ve got to give credit for this advice to my old housemate Zak. Zak had our landlord genuinely terrified to open his inbox, because nothing scares a landlord more than a tenant who knows their rights and won’t take no for an answer. Start mentioning how you have everything in writing or quote the ‘tenancy agreement.’ This is a sure-fire way to get your deposit back, one passive aggressive email at a time.

An Unexpected Visitor:

I have so many stories from one specific housing agency in Selly Oak. Here are my top three: they blamed us for the toilet breaking and accused us of shoving tampons down it (none of us even use tampons); our ceiling leaked so badly the lights were exploding and it took them over an hour to come and fix it (and when they did they left water stains everywhere); they sent a maintenance guy in and he yelled at me and my other roommate at 11am (and he literally broke in!)

Okay indoor water feature, I see you. I mean the exploding lights is an interesting design choice, but it does add a bit of flavour. Rest assured, kind reader, I have some advice that might help you navigate this situation: It sounds to me like there’s been a a bit of a breakdown in communication. You were under the impression that you hadn’t broken the toilet, and that your landlord is responsible for your safety. They, on the other hand, believe that you deliberately destroyed the toilet and your lights literally exploding is nothing to do with them. Don’t worry, I’ve been there (unfortunately) and can help you. With regards to your unexpected visitor, I’d like to say it is your landlord’s attempt at a very direct style of customer service, but I know that would be wishful thinking. Perhaps invest in some industrial locks. All jokes aside, you need to become a landlord’s worst nightmare in a situation like this. Document everything and don’t let them try to deceive you. Best of luck, I’m thinking of you.

Housemates from Hell:

One of my flatmates in second year was probably one of the worst people I’ve ever interacted with. She had a hoarding problem, and all her shelves were completely overflowing at any given time. Once, she left out an empty plastic Sainsbury’s bag in the kitchen for weeks and when I threw it out, she had a fit and started wailing about it before making us retrieve it from the bins outside. THE DIRTY SELLY BINS. Not only that, but her boyfriend was always over, and they were always in my kitchen HAVING SEX ON THE COMMUNAL COUCH. They had no regard for anyone else in the room and were constantly on top of each other: even in front of other people. Two of my other housemates also had sex on my poor couch, BOTH WITH THE SAME MAN MIND YOU.

Reader, thank you for writing in. I am genuinely horrified and I really do pity you. As always, I am here to guide you and anyone else unfortunate enough to be going through the same experience through it, with some mature and helpful feedback. Firstly, let’s address the hoarding issue. The local tip is a short drive away and it shouldn’t take more than a couple of trips to clear out the excess clutter. The sofa situation, however, might be a bit more complex. Beyond politely asking your (somehow?!) multiple housemates to refrain from using the sofa for extracurricular activities, I would suggest moving out. Protect your peace and sanity girl. (Or maybe just avoid the couch, but that doesn’t quite have the same impact)

Something Fishy is Going On…

I moved into my second-year house and two weeks in my toilet wouldn’t flush. I opened the toilet tank and turns out there were two fillets of salmon floating in there. I was absolutely horrified and complained to the housing agency, but nothing was done. I contacted the previous tenants and asked if they did the prank, but they denied it. The classic salmon toilet prank, eh?

Well this is a bit of a predicament, I must admit. This whole situation sounds a little… fishy… but we’re in too deep now so I have compiled a handy list of the actions I would take:

1. Try to embrace it. Did you know that fish is an excellent source of protein? With the cost of living crisis, it’s  definitely something to bear in mind.
2. Find the culprit. I know you say you’ve already interrogated the previous tenants, but maybe the culprit is closer than you think. Start questioning your roommates; with enough pressure one of them might just break.
3. Be toxic. If you  can’t beat them… you have to join them. Plant a fish in someone else’s toilet next time you’re at pres and at least you’ll feel like you’ve got your own back.

Well, to the poor souls who wrote in for this very special edition of Dear Red, I hope I have been able to guide you through your quos. What a rollercoaster this academic year has been. I hope you all have a restful Summer and please don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Although, if you do, make sure you write it down and send it to Red in September.

Until next time!

Read more Redbrick Features:

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In Conversation with FemSoc: Redbrick on Spiking Against Students

How You Can Support the Future of Redbrick