Redbrick collaborates with Footnotes to create news satire
New Vice-Chancellor Moves Physics Department into Arts Department (Will Chapman, Footnotes Head Writer)
Speaking at the university today, the new Vice-Chancellor has announced that he has had a crisis of consciousness regarding the work of the physics department. ‘I struggled with electrons, but now you’re telling me there’s quarks? Doubt it. I haven’t seen an atom, I haven’t seen a God, you tell me where philosophy stops and physics begins. Cowards.’
When Foot-News approached him for a comment on the biology and chemistry departments, and why he has more trust in those, he commented; ‘I seen them frogs.’ When asked if this was a condemnation of the humanities as ‘lesser subjects’, he replied ‘no… no, those Human Geography guys, I like them. I like them very much. I’m a human, and by Jove, that’s enough for me!’
All physics funding has now been divided out between chemistry, biology, and keeping the horns sewn onto the Vodbull bull. Students nationwide applaud his strong stance.
Excalibur Recovered from Vale Lake (Joshua Herman, News Editor)
Excalibur Recovered From Vale Lake, Man Declares Himself ‘King of the Britons’.
‘I saw what I thought to be an inebriated duck’, was the word from one student, who says she saw the man ‘flailing in the Vale Lake swinging a massive sword.’
Another student saw the man emerge from the lake. The unnamed man, pointing his sword, declared himself ‘King of the Britons’ and implored that students ‘Drop out of uni’ and ‘join his war against the Saxons.’
Authorities rushed to the scene, where the man was arrested after daring them to face him in single combat.
In his defence, he told the police that the sword wasn’t his and that it was ‘accidentally’ placed in his hand by the Lady of the Lake after he ‘fell in’. He then called for his lawyer. His lawyer refused to comment.
The magical sword, which is being held in the University of Birmingham archives, has amassed a pilgrimage of angry Welshmen – who, flying the banner of the red dragon, demanded Excalibur and Celtic restoration.
The discovery of this artefact has brought the Vale popular attraction, and it has been announced that Chamberlain has raised their accommodation prices henceforth.
Fab n Fresh has ‘Gone Down Hill’, says Man Reportedly Living Under the Guild for the Last 30 Years (Alex Taylor, TV Editor, Footnotes President)
After getting reports that The Guild of Students’ club night, ‘Fab n Fresh’, has been experiencing a steady decline in positive feedback, a Foot-news journalist went to the Guild in search of comment.
Speaking to an anonymous alumni of the university it’s been revealed how he believes ‘Fab n Fresh’ has ‘gone down hill’. Foot-news journalists pushed the source for further comment. ‘I mean, look, I’ve been living under the guild now for 30 years now, and the fact of the matter is it just used to be better in my day’.
The source also added, ‘either drinking all that mermaid-fountain water is finally getting to me, or Fab’s been using the same playlist every night since 2010’.
Unprovoked, the self proclaimed ‘rat-trainer’ went on to share an opinion on the controversial topic of drinks prices.
He commented that ‘when I was studying here it was only 80p for a bottle of Babycham’, also adding how ‘the club would be sold out every night, no one wanted to leave! I mean look at me now, I never did.’
Our Foot-News journalists kept pushing the source for context regarding his chosen living arrangements, however he declined to comment before scrambling back into the pipe-work beneath the Guild of Students, muttering how he will ‘give it another 30 years’.
University of Birmingham to Offer Shoplifting Courses to Help Students Through the Cost-of-Living Crisis (Luke Tappin, Footnotes Writer)
As prices rocket due to inflation, Britons across the country are struggling to make ends meet. Everyday essentials like oat milk and Tesco meal deals are quickly becoming unattainable
Thankfully these impoverished students surviving on just a few VKs a week have been handed a potential lifeline: the universities’ inaugural course on shoplifting.
Students can expect to be taught by a range of expert criminals who will share their tips and tricks to make that trip to Tesco really count. One of the planned fascinating seminars will be delivered by a drug mule from the Afghanistan border who, with only a condom and some tape, is going to demonstrate how to smuggle an avocado out of Aldi.
Economics professors say that this clever trick could result in savings of up to 100% on all items. ‘Stealing just makes things a whole lot cheaper,’ noted one professor.
Whilst there is still more to be done helping students in this difficult time such as hardship funds or reduced tuition this is certainly a step in the right, if slightly morally dubious, direction.
Glasses to be Banned on Campus (James Evenden, Film Editor)
During a recent update for the end of the 2022/23 Autumn term, the Vice-Chancellor has announced that starting in January 2023, glasses are going to be banned on campus.
This comes after a student was found to be cheating on an in-person exam, whilst wearing two sets of glasses to improve his vision and focus. When a Foot-news journalist approached the student on his decision to wear two sets of glasses, the student commented ‘I already wear one set of glasses because I am short-sighted. I thought to myself, hey, if I wear my short-sighted pair underneath a long-sighted pair, my vision would be perfect for the test. It’s only fair.’
The journalist commented that as the student spoke, his eyes seemed to be turning a red colour.
Speaking on his announcement today, the Vice-Chancellor said ‘I’m not bothered about the cheating. I just thought it would be funny to watch a bunch of people bump into each other because they can’t see where they are going.’
Foot-News noted that the Vice-Chancellor was giggling throughout his statement.
Following this announcement, a recent ‘Fab N’ Fresh’ poll has predicted a sharp rise in vison-impaired students falling down, starting from January.
BREAKING: Student ID Lost at Fab (Kitty Grant, News Editor)
On Saturday 3rd December at approximately 11:48, first-year student Sill E. Fresh lost his provisional driving licence at Fab ‘n’ Fresh. Mr Fresh told Foot-News he was dancing to a DnB remix of We Don’t Talk About Bruno at the Guild of Students’ weekly club night when he realised he had left his ID at the bar. ‘By the time I pushed through the crowd it was gone.’
After leaving Joe’s Bar, Mr Fresh posted on the University’s unofficial Facebook group, also named Fab ‘n’ Fresh, saying ‘lost my id at fab lmk if you see it.’
Mr Fresh’s post was met with an outpouring of support from both friends and strangers alike. One commenter offered support saying, ‘Here for you if you need anything Sill x’.
Another expressed their disappointment that such a thing could even happen: ‘I can’t believe in 2022 things like this are still happening, what does the Guild have to say for themselves?’
On Sunday afternoon, the Guild of Students posted a statement on their Instagram saying, ‘It has come to our attention that at last night’s Fab ‘n’ Fresh club night a student lost their ID card. While we are disturbed that such a thing could happen on Guild property, we want to reassure students that this was a one-off occurrence, and we are working on steps to prevent future incidents.
‘We also understand that this is a distressing situation, not just for Mr Fresh, but for the entire University of Birmingham community. In response, we are offering counselling to anyone who needs it in light of these events.’
Foot-News also spoke to a bartender at Joe’s who wished to remain anonymous, but told us, ‘It’s been keeping me up at night, I can’t stop wondering if there was anything I could’ve done to stop it. F*ck, I hope the lad finds his licence.’
In response to the outpouring of support, Mr Fresh put on a brave face, telling Foot-News, ‘I guess it’s nice that people are being so kind, but I just had to fill out a form online and pay £20.
‘The new one’s on its way.’
Birmingham Accent Voted Sexiest in the World by Readers of Redbrick (Zenna Hussain, News Writer)
The British accent is widely recognized as one of the most attractive in the world, despite the fact that said ‘British accent’ contains four different nations and around 52 distinct regional accents.
We recently decided to explore more into this phenomenon by asking the fine readers of Redbrick which one they prefer, and I am sure no one is surprised that the Birmingham accent came out on top.
‘Is it not obvious, why else would individuals choose to live in Birmingham for years on end?’ said one reader.
Another reader blames Southern faux-superiority and Northern jealousy for individuals not confessing to loving the dialect until now when anonymity has allowed honesty.
Some attribute this movement to Peaky Blinders heartthrob Cillian Murphy, whose undeniably unnatural-looking visage and Liverpudian/Irish/Birmingham accent has helped the Brum accent exceed all others.
For far too long, phoney favourites – Irish, Italian, and Spanish – have stood in the way, but you no longer have to pretend and may boldly name the Birmingham accent as your favourite.
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