Redbrick News and Footnotes collaborate to create news satire
Disclaimer: These are all works of fiction.
Due to Noise Complaints in the Library, Martial Law has been Declared
Sophie Utteridge, Print and Features Editor
This week, the University of Birmingham library was locked down after a murderous altercation between two first year sports science students and a final year law student over noise complaints.
In the wake of the incident, Head Librarian, Paige Turner, declared martial law immediately arming her fellow librarians to protect the silent sanctum that is the university library. Birmingham’s Vice Chancellor voiced his support for Ms Turner’s decision and sent in the Guild of Students Community Wardens as reserves for the librarian army.
When contacted for comment, Ms Turner passionately declared her hatred of all noise, stating that the library will remain under martial law for the foreseeable future. In addition, she announced that any student making noise above five decibels will be immediately ‘silenced’.
First year students have gathered to resist Ms Turner’s ‘unjustified attack on first year rights’ and are currently amassed at Muirhead Tower.
In reply, third year students have announced plans to utilise the Arts Building as a Dissertation Refuge Centre. Second year students have declined comment.
Ms Turner continues to insist the library remains open but warns that ‘greater plans are ahead’ for those continuing to resist.
Students only manage to commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on night out; must try harder
Will Chapman, Footnotes Writer
Returning from a night out this Saturday, a local group of students were horrified to learn that they had only managed to commit 3 of the 7 deadly sins on their night out.
Stumbling in at 3am, they went to update their stats for the night. ‘We’ve got the cleaning rota, the shag chart and the “transgressions against his holy word” tally. And we’re seriously lacking on some of them.’
Having managed envy when the last VK was bought right in front of them, and gluttony when they got a Dixy chicken on the way back home, the group was horrified to learn they couldn’t update either the shag chart or the lust tally. Rushing to bed, they managed to get in at the buzzer with a cheap sloth tally, but fear it’s simply not good enough.
‘In first year we could go 7 for 7 all night, every night. But now, god I think we’re getting old. Only Jane manages all 7 still.’
When asked for a comment, Jane simply said ‘I don’t intend to lose.’ Her housemates informed her there was no element of competition in the transgressions tally; this only made her more determined to win. They’ll endeavour to do themselves proud next time.
Murihead Tower to be Covered in Concrete to make it ‘Less Ugly’
James Evenden, Film Editor
This week it was announced that Murihead tower is to be covered in concrete to cover what the Vice-Chancellor called ‘fucking ugliness’, in his speech announcing the plan.
The plan comes after a meme was posted to Brumfess commenting on the building’s ‘general disgustingness’ and concrete exterior that reportedly makes the anonymous Brumfess poster ‘want to claw my eyes out’. It is understood by FootNews that nobody has clawed their eyes out simply by looking at the building.
Plans to cover the building have been complicated in recent days with the release of an interview held with the supposed supplier of the concrete. The builder, who goes by Bob, in the interview said that ‘We thought the job would be easy, but when we saw the building in person and understood the scale of its hideousness, we quickly realised that we do not make concrete thick enough to cover such an ugly structure’. The Vice-Chancellor has not commented on Bob’s interview, and the status of the Vice-Chancellor’s plans are currently unknown.
Vice-Chancellor Installs Personal Lift in Every Campus Building
Alex Taylor, Footnotes Writer
This week, the Vice-Chancellor of the University of Birmingham announced plans to install a private elevator for himself in every building on campus. When he was pushed for a statement regarding the steps he has taken to avoid taking steps, he said ‘I want to make sure campus is as accessible as possible for me’.
Alongside this, it has since been reported that a full-time team of lift operators will be employed, receiving a fair salary alongside a guaranteed future retirement income. This financial blow is worsened reportedly due to each elevator having Bluetooth speakers installed, alongside being stocked with a selection of Ferrero Rocher (yes, including the white chocolate ones).
The reception of the plans have been reportedly mixed. Botany student Rusty Houseboat commented saying ‘I think it’s about time campus was more accessible for the Vice-Chancellor’. While, at the other end of the spectrum it’s not just the lift’s buttons that are being pushed, as Guild President Joe Biden (no relation) condemns the plans. Stating how despite him and the Vice-Chancellor have had their ‘ups and downs’, he believes this is ‘wrong on so many levels!’
Floor of the Arts Building to be Replaced after Permanent Damage by Doc Martens
Samantha Andrews, News Writer
Plans have recently been unveiled for a new floor to be fitted in the Arts Building. This follows from the permanent damage done to the floor from an excessive amount of students wearing Doc Martens in the building.
Across the building, the wooden floor is beginning to peel, whilst indents from the shoes are carving into the floor.
The largest area of damage is the Mason Lounge, which has been worn down by the heavy rubber soled shoe. One Arts student shared their views with us that ‘If you put arts students together in one building, you have to expect this to happen, it’s a failure on the University’s part to not foresee this.’ The University has declined to comment.
It is currently uncertain if the Arts Building will be making a move to carpeted floor to soften the impact of these heavy shoes. Alongside the damage to the floor, noise complaints from the squeaking of the shoes has also sparked a discussion on the future for Doc Martens in the Arts Building all together. The Library is considering an outright ban due to their quiet area policy.
Man Runs Away with Guild Society Funds to Finance Fishing Holiday in Nantucket
Joshua Herman, News Editor
‘I fancied a holiday’, says Chair of the Fishing Rod Society, who, after requesting a grant of £2,000 to fund a society ball with Marine Biology society, took the funds and ran off to the island of Nantucket.
Fred, who has now been revealed to be the sole member of the Fishing Rod society despite fabricating AGM documents, is now in hiding. The Vice-Chancellor has bought and dispatched a fleet of type-42 destroyers to find him, telling Foot-News that, ‘I’ve been struggling to figure out a way to spend student tuition fees, and I’ve always wanted my own naval force.’
Reports from Nantucket claim that Fred boomed the fishing economy. ‘He’s a hero’, said one Nantucketer.
A Guild spokesperson told Foot-News, ‘This is unprecedented. This is anarchy.’
Rumours that he has returned to Birmingham have circulated as his tinder profile has been sited 1 mile from Selly Oak.
‘You can never trust a man who is holding a fish on every one of his tinder pictures’, said one student.
Battle Reenactment Society Begins Nuclear Arms Race
Matt Vernalls, Footnotes Writer
It seems only yesterday that UoB’s battle re-enactors emerged, bleary-eyed, from the Selly Oak trenches and extended a tentative hand of friendship to one another as Old Joe struck 11.
The Bristol Road masses were united in one thought and one thought only that day: ‘Never Again’. It comes as much surprise, then, that leaked documents attest to an increased military presence at Metchley Lane sports pitches and covert manoeuvring of a mysterious glowing package across its fields.
Rising intersectional tension within the society is sure to reach breaking point soon as tremors of fear shake the entire re-enactment community. When asked about the impact of potential nuclear armament, Peter “cannon fodder” Daniels could only shake his head and solemnly reflect, ‘I thought the transition to AK-47s was too much but the shift to nuclear bombs… I fear for my countrymen’.
A rough few weeks and many sleepless nights are to follow for those affected by the geopolitical war games of battle re-enactment society. Our thoughts and prayers lie with those young families sure to be trapped in the inevitable crossfire of another unnecessary war.
Doomsday Clock Hand Added to Old Joe
Benjamin Oakden, Gaming Editor
The University of Birmingham’s famous Old Joe clock tower has received a makeover with the addition of a doomsday hand. The doomsday clock, a symbol that measures the likelihood of a global catastrophe, was added due to rising concerns over the Climate Crisis, the Russian-Ukraine War, and the Guild removing the ability to buy external memberships.
The doomsday hand project, which is only the 15th time Old Joe has been renovated this month, has been praised by a great number of international leaders. United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres commented that ‘this step is yet another shining example of the University of Birmingham’s student body taking decisive action to better our world. There has already been countless Brumfess posts that have been a real influence on UN policy and this latest move will surely have an even greater impact’. Sources close to the Kremlin doubt the ability of Vladmir Putin to carry on his invasion after the unveiling, with him reported to have said ‘all those Westerners adding the Ukraine flag to their Twitter accounts was difficult enough, but this has tipped things over the edge’
Fears too have been raised over Old Joe’s reputation for irregular timekeeping. Critics warn that should the doomsday hand become five minutes fast like the rest of the clocktower tends to, it could cause a mass global panic over an impending apocalypse.
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