Redbrick News and Footnotes collaborate to create news satire
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
The Fungus by Hamza Khawaja
Not a great start to the new year as The Fungus claimed another earlier this week.
This incident serves as a cautionary tale, detailing what happens when multi-level mismanagement collides head on with the uncontrollable growth of mycelia of an unknown origin. Spoiler – it’s bad.
The victim of the most recent Fungus incident, Euston Snapshrew, was last seen leaving the Poinyting Physics building; witnesses overheard her say “I’m just going to cross over The Fungus now,” as she made her way to the now-Fungus-infested north side of campus.
The student body had been advised to avoid The Fungus back when it was first discovered; having contaminated the basement of the European Research Institute, where it began to spread from building to building via its intricately developed spore network. This was swiftly followed by promises of the removal of The Fungus – promises which we can see have not been fulfilled.
When will the faculty give us an update on the removal of The Fungus? How many more victims will The Fungus claim before this is prioritised? The Fungus now covers roughly forty five percent of Campus and is showing no signs of stopping.
Some are blaming Snapshrew for her reckless behaviour but to them I say, when The Fungus starts secreting its alluring pheromones into your study hall, then see how hard it is to resist its grip.
I am brought to question once again whether it is the potent toxicity of The Fungus we should be worried about, or the toxicity of victim blamers?
In other news, numerous reports of a humanoid figure have been sent in – this individual appears to be covered in scales, with fins protruding from the sides of their heads and along their limbs.
One report claims that the creature rose out from the body of water in the Vale Village muttering to themselves about there “not being enough black lagoons about”.
Could this be in any way linked to The Fungus? Either way, one thing is for sure. The faculty will need to up its game if it wants to win back students’ trust.
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